We all remember this scene from When Harry Met Sally, right?
Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn’t want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It’s true, it’s one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids – and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice – and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn’t even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we’d say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice. And then one day I was taking Alice’s little girl for the afternoon because I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing “I Spy” – I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post – and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, “I spy a family.” And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, “The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice.”
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It’s this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
Back in 1989 or whenever I first saw this film, I loved that conversation. I just felt sorry for poor Sally because she didn’t realize how good she had it. What was stopping her anyway? Get on that plane, girl! You don’t need Joe. Have your own little adventure. I thought everyone should want that. I did. I didn’t want to be tied down or get married because I wanted to be able to do what I wanted when I wanted with whoever I wanted.
And maybe back in 1989 I did. I remember many an impromptu road trip on the weekends, a hurriedly planned trip to Florida for a week that involved sleeping on other people’s floors and sofas, and several calls at 2 a.m. to meet up somewhere after the bars closed. I also remember a lot more men hanging around, many of whom Debra of today wouldn’t even think of getting to know. Should that make me feel better or worse? I don’t know. But I know there was fun and excitement in never quite knowing what was around the proverbial corner.
But now, some almost twenty {choke} years later, it isn’t the same. I thought it would last. But back then, I also didn’t imagine moving away, losing touch with good friends, and {shudder} growing up. And now, the thing is, Joe, I never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice. “I Spy” women with husbands, small children, incontinent pets and full-time careers doing a lot more than this supposedly free single woman.
And it bothers me.
I chose a life that wasn’t going to include marriage or (birthed by me) babies. And it is the right life for me. But when did I decide a career and maturity and financial responsibility suddenly canceled out all spontaneity and excitement and fun? Come on, Sally, what’s stopping you?
I need to think about this.
